We all have times when people let us down. When they say they will be there for us but they aren’t. When they cancel plans, say something hurtful, or we catch them out in a lie.
Relationships with others, be it with partners, family or friends, are messy. Well, people are messy. So put two people together and it has the potential for more mess than we can handle.
But you know what? There is a line where messy becomes painful and disrespectful and too many times, that line is being crossed.
Have you ever heard someone say “I always seem to have the worst luck with men/women. I always seem to get hurt.” Or “I’m always the one asking my friends to meet up, they never seem to ask me.” Maybe it’s you that has said these things. I’ve heard them many, many times, and I have definitely said them myself.
It is extremely easy to fall into the role of being a victim in a relationship. Someone may be rude to us, someone may let us down, someone may not be the person we assumed they were. We cry, we lament, we shake our imaginary fists at the injustice of the world. Very very rarely, do we step up and look inwards instead, at our own role in what has gone wrong here.
Every relationship we have is 50/50, and we are never completely blameless for whatever happens in them. Yes, whatever someone does to you is completely their own choice and responsibility. However, there are also some harsh but necessary questions to ask ourselves.
What have I done in this situation that contributed to it?
Have I been acting as a parent, adult or child in this relationship?
Have I been taking on a victim role?
Why have I allowed this person to treat me this way?
This last question is vital to understanding why so many of our relationships seem to fall into a pattern, and why we have so many negative relationships in our life. For example, if you notice that every single man or woman you meet is emotionally distant and unavailable, why have you chosen to welcome them in when what you actually want is commitment and intimacy? Why do you continue the relationship and subject yourself to the pain when it is clear they are not interested? Why haven’t you broken up with them and held your head up high?
If you notice every friend in your life appears to only remember you when they want something and never actively seek out your company, why are you still friends with them when what you want is people who truly care about you and are interested in a mutually rewarding friendship? Why haven’t you deleted their number and walked away?
So why DO we do this to ourselves?
The answer is fairly simple.
It’s time to look at the relationship you have with yourself. How do you feel about yourself? Do you have self worth and self respect? Do you know you are better than the treatment you are being given? Do you care enough about yourself that you know without a shadow of a doubt that you are better than this? The key to happy, successful relationships lies within you. Instead of allowing poor treatment again and again and again, cut it off the very first time it happens and this sends a clear message. The message is this – I am worth more.
Know this. You do not need to beg for someone to like you, love you, spend time with you or treat you well.
You do not need to accept treatment that makes you feel unhappy or worthless. There are over 7 billion people on this planet and if one person doesn't recognise how lucky they are to have you in their life, there are many, many more who will. Treat yourself how you want others to treat you, and you will soon learn what you will accept and what you won't.
Over time, if you respect yourself enough and stop allowing people to treat you badly, you will end up with only those people in your life who truly respect you, care about you and want to spend time with you.
And you won’t allow anyone to treat you in a way that is less than you deserve, ever again.
Lauren x