Corona - WTF?
I’m writing this on Easter Sunday. It is amazing, sunny Bank Holiday weather. I can hear music playing (yeah thanks neighbour, I needed 5 hours of reggae), I can hear children playing in the garden (our new game of dancing-piggy in the middle has been a success) and I have developed an impressive tan (burn). Everything feels normal.
But it’s anything but. We are trapped in our homes, victim to a simple yet truly horrendous virus. Subject to living a watered down version of our lives and waiting around to be told what to do by those who hold power over us. We hear nothing but distressing facts and devastating statistics, waiting for the news that brings nothing but sadness and to pass the time, sharing memes which are as dark as they are hilarious.
I have, however, read lots of very life affirming things recently. How during such a difficult time we must be kind to each other, help each other, and be strong. I agree, I do. I agree that getting through this mad, insane time involves mutual support, selflessness and all the very best of the many great human qualities we possess.
However, amongst all of this, there is something I feel I personally just have to say.
Corona – what the actual FUCK??
What in the fucking fuck has fucking happened? (I know I should probably be more professional and use a more educated word but really, fuck it).
Two months ago my children were doing well in school. Two months ago I was busy with work. Two months ago I was swimming every other day, Two months ago I was seeing friends and having fun. Two months ago I could order toilet paper and eggs and get a Tesco delivery slot. Two months ago I could do what I wanted, when I wanted, without the added fear that having asthma wasn’t going to mean my crappy lungs might suddenly kill me.
Then everything changed. For good. And I have no idea when and if I can get back to the life I had chosen. So forgive me for all the swearing but really, what a fucking ridiculous thing to have happened.
Covid19 has managed to do what nothing else has to our modern society. It’s shaken things up. It’s changed things. It’s proved what we know but didn’t know. That we have no control over our lives. We never really know what will happen. Those plans you have? Take them with a pinch of salt. Because God knows what will happen tomorrow, let alone next year. Know what you generally want and know who you want to be. But anything else? You may as well throw your hands up in mercy and just wait and see how it turns out in the end.
For a few years now, I have known the importance of staying present and living day to day. I am completely comfortable with who I am, and I didn’t really need this experience to 'wake me up.' I was already wide awake. So in some ways everything is different but in many others, I’m not letting this change me. I’m still dancing round my house wearing my headphones just like I do every day. I’m still singing too loudly, being too sarcastic, and I'm spending hours every evening on my phone laughing with my friends.
On my fridge I have a magnet that says...
Every single time I see it I pause and remind myself that this is my life. Yes this is not exactly how I want it to be. Yes I’m frustrated and pissed off and bored. (And definitely at least half a stone heavier). But this is still my life. I’m not getting this time back.
I’m not going to try and rescue myself or anyone else from how they feel about this. There is no silver lining here. People are dying and I absolutely refuse to say ‘well let’s try and make the most of it and look at the positives.’ However, I do want to stay living through this as best as I can, and I hope more than anything, that you can too.
Working over Skype and phone has reminded me that we are so fortunate to have modern technology to stay connected. Counselling online can be just as effective as face to face and I completely recommend it to anyone who is struggling right now.
However, more than that, it’s reminded me that a screen will never ever be a substitute for real human contact. I miss all of my clients and I will be so happy to have them back sitting across from me when this ends.
And it will.
It doesn’t feel like it right now, but it will.
In the meantime, remember you are still you and this is still your only ever life. But corona? Well that can just fuck right off.
Please stay safe.